This post is all in good fun, so try not to get too butthurt if you realize that you’re a part of any of the following faux pas on this list. Just know that I was thinking about you!
I’ve been going to the gym since I was a mere 11 year old (which realistically feels like an eternity and a half ago), and in the time that I’ve been going, I’ve almost always seen a chick or even several (sometimes they go to the gym in groups) with makeup just plastered on their faces. *sigh* I don’t like to judge people, but if you really want to get the most out of your workout, you need to prioritize the actual workout. It probably took you at least 10-15 minutes to get it all perfect, and for what? I’d like to say this headline is true but in all actuality, you’re probably just gonna walk on snail speed on the treadmill until someone stands there, tapping their foot, waiting for you to get off. In light of today’s gym experience, I would now like to present to you my personal list of gym faux pas. Let’s get weird.
1. Making loud, grunting noises while you’re on a machine does not make you lift heavier, nor do they make you look like the big, strong man you want to be by the end of this week (because realistically, gym newcomers have this belief that after a week, they’ll look like something out of GQ). It’s like a howler monkey mating call. Who can project their “maleness” (and I say this with the least bit of seriousness) the loudest? Who can make all the other guys cower at their feet, pleading, yearning for their awesomeness to rub off upon them? Who can look like the roughest, toughest guy in the Salty Spitoon? (Brownie points will fall from the sky on the individual who gets that reference)
2. The gym is not and will never be the next eHarmony (but if it were, WHICH IT TOTALLY ISN’T AND PLEASE DON’T MISTAKE THIS, but if it were, the headline would totally be something like, “Finding love so dumbbells aren’t the only weights lifted off your shoulders” or “Love Weights (get it, “waits“?!): lower your resistance and find your swolemate today”). Are you seriously gonna pick up the sweaty meathead sitting on the machine next to you? Think about all the dirty machines he’s handled in the past 30 minutes just on the weight floor and I promise you, you’ll want him sanitized (and I don’t say “sterilized” here, because obviously he’s the one true love of your life and you are destined for eternal devotion at first glimpse and even more so at the first exchange of actual words) first.
3. You know the saying, “less is more”? That isn’t about clothing, and no, I’m not talking about when girls wear just sports bras. I don’t want to see your neon pink, Victoria’s Secret thong (See?! I already know too much!) through your “accidentally-transparent-“oops-I-didn’t-know-these-were-see-through-but-I’m-gonna-bend-over-in-front-of-your-face-so-you-can-get-a-good-look-whether-you-want-to-or-not”” tights, nor do I want to cringe at the thought of how much it must hurt to be running on the treadmill with your breasts spilling over your sports bra like a tsunami.
4. You can be on that machine for 20 freakin’ years continually and see absolutely no results if you don’t add at least some resistance to the machine. I get it, I totally get it (I don’t get it). You don’t want to look stupid in front of your cute gym partner who’s already preoccupied himself with an intimidating new trainer, and you haven’t worked out in way too long because the new season of Doctor Who started recently and it’s consumed all of your time, and you don’t want to have a “manly body” with all those bulky muscles you’re going to build by doing only that one strong set on the machine. Blah, blah, blah. At that point, you’re just hogging the machine from someone who wants to feel like their muscles are legitimately on fire. FEEL THE BURN. FEEL IT.
5. Fad exercises are as bad as 70s aerobics videos. Do you know how crazy you look when you’re prancercising around the gym vicinity? Or when you decide that the exercise ball would be a perfect spot to try that new headstand trick that everyone says burns a ton of calories (and brain cells)? Or when you start juggling the hand weights?
What have you seen at your local gym that you’d consider as something you’d “never be able to unsee”?
Share it below!