All of my life, I have struggled with the fear of becoming overweight again, because as a child, I suffered immensely from being the chubbier kid. I wasn’t confident, happy, or satisfied with my quality of life. This is not to say that if you are confident or happy at this size or any size, you shouldn’t be. I just know that, in my experience, I spent so much time, too much time, agonizing over how I could be different and how I could be better. I just couldn’t see the beauty in myself. Something destructive had stuck with me and had no intention of letting go. At such a young age, those kinds of feelings have a deep imprint on your soul. I know they did on mine. But this time around, at 21 years old, as I am not overweight but still trying to keep in shape and stay healthy, it’s easier. Everything seems….easier.
I’ve noticed the change. I’m not looking in the mirror as much, grabbing at the visible fat on my sides or tummy, or scowling at the figure that stands before me, disappointed by what I see. She’s a beautiful person and she has carried me through 21 years of life, 21 years of experience, growth, love, failure, and triumph. She is the portal in which I have navigated the plane of life and she is the woman I will be until the day I die. She will change, physically and mentally, as she moves forward, but there should be no reason why I should look upon her with judgment. Her body has been through injuries, sickness, heartache. She’s fought through loss, anxiety attacks, hurt. I no longer look upon her, the body that housed and loved me, like she is wrong and needs to be changed. I’m guiding her in the right direction, a healthier path and state of mind.
I’ve grown to adore this changed perspective towards my body. I’m not judging myself like I used to. I can look in the mirror, smile, and know that that smile is genuine. I do love myself, and I love my body. There will be times when I come down on the beautiful girl in the mirror, the one that looks back at me and reflects the life that I’ve been living and the experiences I’ve gathered, but I know that those times will be fleeting, and will not house themselves permanently within the corners of my mind, waiting for their next moment to swallow the spotlight. Self judgment is no longer welcome in my heart and I’m determined to keep it that way. From here on out, everything feels… easier.
xo Amanda Cramer
Posted in Personal, Thoughts
Tagged anxiety, anxiety attacks, anxiety sufferer, beauty, beauty standards, body fat, change, child experiences, chubby, college student, comparing, easier, fat, growing, growth, happiness, healthier path, judging, judging myself, judgment, judgmental, kid, learning, life, mandirito the blogger, my experiences, my life, perfect, personal, personal post, perspective, self criticism, society, state of mind, thoughts, unhappy, xo Mandirito
I’m disgusted. Out of all the retailers on this whole earth, it just had to be one that I shop at regularly, one that I rely on for almost all of my beauty and grocery needs because clearly it’s one of the few places I can afford and now I know I can’t have nice things. So tell me, Walmart, why did you have to go ahead and get on my ugly side, rearing your own ugly head for what, a laugh? Because believe me, I’ve got quite a fierce ugly side, an insatiable anger under all of this composure for individuals and companies that show blatant disrespect to their consumers. I don’t agree with labeling costumes that are supposedly above a six as “fat girl costumes” as you so lovingly called them. We all have different bodies, some of us very curvy all over, some with curves in certain places, but are we all under a size six? Are you guys all under a size six? No? No, hell no. I can vouch for this. I range anywhere from an 8 to a 12 sometimes, depending on the dimensions of the clothing. What makes you think a girl like me, someone who works out regularly, eats healthy, and feels confident about her body and shopping for clothing that accommodates her, would willingly want to drop by my local Walmart to browse the “Fat Girl Costume Section” with that kind of title? Who are you to judge my body, label it with a term that is currently perceived as derogatory knowing that the term is being used in a derogatory fashion, and require me to veer away from the obviously “Normal Sized Girl Costume Section” to get a costume that fits without fuss? You, as a major retailer that serves quite a diverse group of individuals, should provide clothes and costumes for plus size and regular sizes, but please, label your clothes with dignity. We all deserve to feel beautiful any day of the week, any holiday of the year, and feel confident and comfortable enough to shop at your establishment. There’s no excuse for this insensitivity and I’m thoroughly unimpressed with the lack of professionalism it took to publish this crap. Shame on you.
What are your thoughts on Walmart’s publishing “mishap”?
Posted in Rant
Tagged angry, annoyed, clothing, clothing sizes, consumer review, costumes, diverse audience, fat, fat girl, fat girl costumes, labels, lifestyle, pissed, plus size, sizes, thoughts, walmart, walmart review, walmart website
Because I have expressed unhappiness at my current weight (which could easily be fixed on my own, might I add), like a dog with a chew toy, I have experienced others tear through any bit of security and comfortableness I have within myself. It’s shameful of anyone to pretend like they know how a body should look and to take it upon themselves to punish others for not fitting the standard that they consider “beautiful” and “healthy”. Don’t let the judgment of others on you, whether it be your weight, a personality trait they don’t like, your supposed “laziness” as a college student focusing on your school work, whatever, take control of your life. Don’t give other people the keys to your happiness. Not everything in life is about numbers, nor does someone’s weight, out of all things, equal their worth (or less worth, in my case) as a human being. There is much more to each individual than how they look, and this needs to be brought to light. I’m realizing myself in many more ways than this, and I can only hope that I will come across others who will support me through thick and thin, no pun intended. Unconditional love truly is difficult to come by.
Fat shaming is wrong on any level, and so is the existence of needless discouragement and verbal assaults in this world that already implements enough insecurity on its own.