Tag Archives: growing

Easier Now

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All of my life, I have struggled with the fear of becoming overweight again, because as a child, I suffered immensely from being the chubbier kid. I wasn’t confident, happy, or satisfied with my quality of life. This is not to say that if you are confident or happy at this size or any size, you shouldn’t be. I just know that, in my experience, I spent so much time, too much time, agonizing over how I could be different and how I could be better. I just couldn’t see the beauty in myself. Something destructive had stuck with me and had no intention of letting go. At such a young age, those kinds of feelings have a deep imprint on your soul. I know they did on mine. But this time around, at 21 years old, as I am not overweight but still trying to keep in shape and stay healthy, it’s easier. Everything seems….easier.

I’ve noticed the change. I’m not looking in the mirror as much, grabbing at the visible fat on my sides or tummy, or scowling at the figure that stands before me, disappointed by what I see. She’s a beautiful person and she has carried me through 21 years of life, 21 years of experience, growth, love, failure, and triumph. She is the portal in which I have navigated the plane of life and she is the woman I will be until the day I die. She will change, physically and mentally, as she moves forward, but there should be no reason why I should look upon her with judgment. Her body has been through injuries, sickness, heartache. She’s fought through loss, anxiety attacks, hurt. I no longer look upon her, the body that housed and loved me, like she is wrong and needs to be changed. I’m guiding her in the right direction, a healthier path and state of mind.

I’ve grown to adore this changed perspective towards my body. I’m not judging myself like I used to. I can look in the mirror, smile, and know that that smile is genuine. I do love myself, and I love my body. There will be times when I come down on the beautiful girl in the mirror, the one that looks back at me and reflects the life that I’ve been living and the experiences I’ve gathered, but I know that those times will be fleeting, and will not house themselves permanently within the corners of my mind, waiting for their next moment to swallow the spotlight. Self judgment is no longer welcome in my heart and I’m determined to keep it that way. From here on out, everything feels… easier.

xo Amanda Cramer

Mandirito.com

Final Thoughts of 2014

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Confronted with the past, we often stand down. We let it consume us, devour the current day and age with regrets of moments we can no longer change. Moments that have passed us.

I won’t stand down. I won’t cry, or regret, or reminisce about the “good ol’ days”. I won’t second guess myself or humor myself with a different outcome that could’ve potentially changed the course of my memories. Today is today, and holds its own potential.

There are moments in my past that I wish I would’ve appreciated then, as I cannot appreciate them in the same magnitude as my memories begin to fade and distort with time. What music was playing at that moment? Who was there? What were their facial expressions? Were they happy, hurt, longing, anxious? Do these little details even matter anymore?

They matter when you think back, but in the moment of the experience, you’re drawn to see the big picture. The details fade into the backdrop and become minuscule, only to arise to the surface in bits and pieces later on, often in unwelcome nostalgic spurts. The concepts are still alive and well and the meaning behind the memories of our past still stands but I’m choosing to pack up these boxes and dispose of the feelings that once gave me happiness but have lately weighed heavily upon my soul. I’ve been progressively releasing my attachment to these moments as they don’t serve my life positively anymore.

I choose to live in the now, but that’s not to say that the time I spent prior to the current day is inconsequential, the experiences I’ve gathered are meaningless. They matter, however some things you cannot change once all interaction has been exhausted, connections have been tampered with and broken, and the passions that you had grown to love, that had once lingered and given you comfort, have grown stale. I’ve grown to accept the shortcomings, regrets, hurt of my past and hope that the future holds better days with even greater joys.

Here is to life, to a new year full of opportunity and lessons to be learned. Here is to new laughs, triumphs, friendships, experiences. To growth, improvement, realizations, creativity, and an awakened zest for all the little things life holds in store.

May this year bring change that exudes confidence towards an even more exciting and fulfilling future, and may the skeletons of our memories be laid to rest. It’s time to move forward.

Arcade Epiphanies: Sometimes You Have to Regress to Progress

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Tonight, instead of spending my night cuddling in bed with my boyfriend like we often do (as he is usually tired out from work, and so am I from busy days), we took a date trip out to Gameroom for a couple of hours. I haven’t felt that alive in a very long while. I had been stuck in a rut, spending the last few days essentially locked in my room, barely eating or moving in the hopes of getting ahead in my online classes in order to be able to successfully enjoy my upcoming week-long vacation that starts this weekend. Getting to go somewhere new with the person I love gave me such childlike (hence the reference to regressing!) wonder, and I am even more excited for our next date. To think that a trip to an arcade could be so thrilling and awakening to the heart! We were filled with laughter as we navigated through digital jungles with plastic, colored guns, and couldn’t keep our eyes off the neon puck as it passed from one side of the air hockey table to the other, sliding faster than we could follow, our eyes meeting, acknowledging the challenge. I think he needed that stress relief just as much as I did. It made me realize just how important it is to make time for me, too, when life is throwing curveballs and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you just need to take a big step back.

As for you guys, try to break out of your habits. I know we all fall into habits and patterns that seem safe to us, but we need stimulation, at least from time to time, in order to remain happy. We need to discover, to create, to grow. Our world is full of new experiences, and there isn’t enough time for us to not give these opportunities a chance. Try something new tomorrow. Pick up a friend, your love, or an adventurous acquaintance and go somewhere you both haven’t been. The impact it has on your heart and mind, the thrill of new experiences, will probably astound you, too.

 

 

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Failure: Is it Really as Detrimental as it Seems?

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We dread it, we avoid it, we let it define our self worth. Failure is an experience that can easily drag anyone down into a pothole. So why do we let it take a hold of our lives? Why do we hand it our power, wrapped in a box and bow, so easily? Why does it dictate what we believe about ourselves?

We, as people, want to be a “jack of all trades”. Meaning that we, ideally, would like to be the best at everything immediately. The first time we try something, we hope that we’re “passable”, and automatically “decent” at it because that is how we are programmed. We don’t want to accept failure at a first shot. The truth is, failure is inevitable if you’re living, and taking on new opportunities as they come. Even if you’re hiding in your room refusing to experience the world around you, failure is still inevitable. It’s natural to fail every once in a while.

Personally, I am afraid of failing very few things. I’ve spent my whole life trying to experience everything. I’ve explored what feels like every creative outlet known to man, and I refuse to be afraid to visualize what I can do. I’ve failed before. I’ve done things, new things, and done horribly. But I never labeled myself as a “failure” for not being “great” at everything. And you know what? I don’t consider pushing myself to sink or swim a failure. I don’t consider ultimately sinking after struggling to swim a failure. I don’t consider developing my skills that I’ve been unsatisfactory in, in the past a failure. You know why? Because the only way you can fail is if you try, realize that you’re not as “successful” as you thought you would be, and choose to give up. I’m not going to give up on my dreams, and neither should you.

Failure shouldn’t beat you down from your high horse. It shouldn’t rip your desires out of your hands. If there are experiences and defining moments waiting on the horizon for you or you see potential in yourself despite your moments of weakness, you should be able to hold tightly onto those things that define your life purpose as if your life depends on it, which in this case, it does. Don’t give failure the power to destroy the light in your eyes. Only you can choose to keep going after disappointment takes hold.

10 Things I Wish I Could Go Back in Time and Tell Myself

1. Recess will be one of those extraordinarily wonderful things in your life that you will never get back. Don’t take a single minute of it for granted, because once you hit middle school, there will be no structured playtime for you.

2. People you consider your close friends won’t always be there. Make sure you’re ready to face that kind of disappointment and understand the meaning behind it. You’re much stronger than you look, so don’t let them tell you otherwise.

3. Try to care for yourself as much as you care for others. It’s important to find a balance, because not everyone feels that way about others. There are some people only out for themselves, and you’ll make a significant difference by deviating from that norm.

4. You’ll make the best unconditional friends you’ll ever have in college. Don’t worry about all the people that are gonna try to screw you because the friends I’m talking about will be worth all of that. They’re the best people you’ll ever know.

5. Your skin is going to go from perfect to absolutely awful in what feels like five seconds, and it’s going to last into your twenties. A bunch of doctors are going to give you antibiotics that make you sick, creams that don’t work, and a bunch of other stuff you’d never want to spend 20 minutes of your nighttime routine doing. Do your best to be patient, and know that what’s under your skin is much more important than what’s on the outside. Beauty doesn’t change the world. Brains do.

6. Write and create as much as you possibly can. Creating is your thing and will always be. It’s not just a phase of your childhood. It’s your calling in life and you need to follow it in every way that you can. Don’t limit it to pen and paper. Use your words and your hands to creative expressions of yourself. You won’t regret the fulfillment and happiness that you’ll experience from it.

7. When people tell you what you can and can’t do, don’t believe it. You’ve gotten so far doing the things that you love, and the way people tried to dictate your way of living didn’t and won’t stop your determination. Figure out what’s best for your life and run with it. You need to live with yourself, so when it comes down to it, the opinions of what you do with your life don’t add up.

8. When you’re stressed, don’t resist the gym. It’ll prove to be a great place to calm yourself down in the long run, and it’ll keep you happy, too! Turns out you really enjoy teaching at a gym because it’s one of the few places you feel right at home.

9. Take time to smell the roses every once in a while. Life will get busy with schoolwork, friends, extracurricular activities, and dating. Just take some time for yourself every once in a while.

10. Be fearless.

Daily Writing Prompt: How do you combat the blues? What’s one tip you can share with others that always helps to lift your spirits?

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Combatting the blues has been an uphill battle all of my life, the reason being that when I’m sad, I’m really sad. Little misfortunes in life don’t hurt me, but when something happens that is monumental to my life and the lives of others that could not have been preventable, I feel vulnerable. Useless. I try to keep my head up in these times by focusing on myself. What needs to get done in order for me to reach equilibrium once more? How am I going to accomplish this? Truthfully, the way I combat sadness is situational, but in all situations, there is a common weapon: the use of creativity. I’m a firm believer that getting your negative feelings on paper or canvas can give a sense of relief that many other methods in life can’t, because you’re in control. You have that pen, pencil, brush in your hand. You control the color, where it goes, how it interacts with other colors. You can write what ever you need to write, no matter how piercing the words. It gives you the feeling of connecting your life full circle again. Although, because I’m in college and my supplies are often limited to dry mediums, I tend to use music as a supplementary mood lifter. There are always going to be times when I’m sad and I just want to listen to something that’s going to make me bawl my eyes out, but more often than not, hearing the soothing sounds of “A Fine Frenzy” or “Blue October” gives me the sense of serenity I need to pick up from where I left off. It doesn’t hurt to lay my mind down in writing, as well.

If you find yourself feeling sad, try to explore that emotion visually. Even if you don’t consider yourself “crafty” or “artistic”, it’s important to allow yourself to delve into different mediums during times of emotional turmoil in order to determine your ability to combat sadness in new, positive ways rather than allowing it to swallow your ability to fix what has been broken. Try to represent your negativity in a more physical way, and it may set you free.