All of my life, I have struggled with the fear of becoming overweight again, because as a child, I suffered immensely from being the chubbier kid. I wasn’t confident, happy, or satisfied with my quality of life. This is not to say that if you are confident or happy at this size or any size, you shouldn’t be. I just know that, in my experience, I spent so much time, too much time, agonizing over how I could be different and how I could be better. I just couldn’t see the beauty in myself. Something destructive had stuck with me and had no intention of letting go. At such a young age, those kinds of feelings have a deep imprint on your soul. I know they did on mine. But this time around, at 21 years old, as I am not overweight but still trying to keep in shape and stay healthy, it’s easier. Everything seems….easier.
I’ve noticed the change. I’m not looking in the mirror as much, grabbing at the visible fat on my sides or tummy, or scowling at the figure that stands before me, disappointed by what I see. She’s a beautiful person and she has carried me through 21 years of life, 21 years of experience, growth, love, failure, and triumph. She is the portal in which I have navigated the plane of life and she is the woman I will be until the day I die. She will change, physically and mentally, as she moves forward, but there should be no reason why I should look upon her with judgment. Her body has been through injuries, sickness, heartache. She’s fought through loss, anxiety attacks, hurt. I no longer look upon her, the body that housed and loved me, like she is wrong and needs to be changed. I’m guiding her in the right direction, a healthier path and state of mind.
I’ve grown to adore this changed perspective towards my body. I’m not judging myself like I used to. I can look in the mirror, smile, and know that that smile is genuine. I do love myself, and I love my body. There will be times when I come down on the beautiful girl in the mirror, the one that looks back at me and reflects the life that I’ve been living and the experiences I’ve gathered, but I know that those times will be fleeting, and will not house themselves permanently within the corners of my mind, waiting for their next moment to swallow the spotlight. Self judgment is no longer welcome in my heart and I’m determined to keep it that way. From here on out, everything feels… easier.
xo Amanda Cramer
Posted in Personal, Thoughts
Tagged anxiety, anxiety attacks, anxiety sufferer, beauty, beauty standards, body fat, change, child experiences, chubby, college student, comparing, easier, fat, growing, growth, happiness, healthier path, judging, judging myself, judgment, judgmental, kid, learning, life, mandirito the blogger, my experiences, my life, perfect, personal, personal post, perspective, self criticism, society, state of mind, thoughts, unhappy, xo Mandirito
Because I have expressed unhappiness at my current weight (which could easily be fixed on my own, might I add), like a dog with a chew toy, I have experienced others tear through any bit of security and comfortableness I have within myself. It’s shameful of anyone to pretend like they know how a body should look and to take it upon themselves to punish others for not fitting the standard that they consider “beautiful” and “healthy”. Don’t let the judgment of others on you, whether it be your weight, a personality trait they don’t like, your supposed “laziness” as a college student focusing on your school work, whatever, take control of your life. Don’t give other people the keys to your happiness. Not everything in life is about numbers, nor does someone’s weight, out of all things, equal their worth (or less worth, in my case) as a human being. There is much more to each individual than how they look, and this needs to be brought to light. I’m realizing myself in many more ways than this, and I can only hope that I will come across others who will support me through thick and thin, no pun intended. Unconditional love truly is difficult to come by.
Fat shaming is wrong on any level, and so is the existence of needless discouragement and verbal assaults in this world that already implements enough insecurity on its own.
Nobody can force the words out for you. Sometimes you have to be fearless. Don’t let your thoughts and feelings remain suppressed out of the avoidance of judgment. Judgment is everywhere and frequent. Only you can preserve your character.
Posted in Personal, Thoughts
Tagged afraid, character, communicate, communicating, development, experience, fears, feelings, friendships, growth, importance, interactions, introverted, judgment, life, memory, my life, outspoken, people, personal, personality, random thought, relationships, shared feelings, shy, speaking, talking, thoughts, understanding, world