Tag Archives: my life

Easier Now

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All of my life, I have struggled with the fear of becoming overweight again, because as a child, I suffered immensely from being the chubbier kid. I wasn’t confident, happy, or satisfied with my quality of life. This is not to say that if you are confident or happy at this size or any size, you shouldn’t be. I just know that, in my experience, I spent so much time, too much time, agonizing over how I could be different and how I could be better. I just couldn’t see the beauty in myself. Something destructive had stuck with me and had no intention of letting go. At such a young age, those kinds of feelings have a deep imprint on your soul. I know they did on mine. But this time around, at 21 years old, as I am not overweight but still trying to keep in shape and stay healthy, it’s easier. Everything seems….easier.

I’ve noticed the change. I’m not looking in the mirror as much, grabbing at the visible fat on my sides or tummy, or scowling at the figure that stands before me, disappointed by what I see. She’s a beautiful person and she has carried me through 21 years of life, 21 years of experience, growth, love, failure, and triumph. She is the portal in which I have navigated the plane of life and she is the woman I will be until the day I die. She will change, physically and mentally, as she moves forward, but there should be no reason why I should look upon her with judgment. Her body has been through injuries, sickness, heartache. She’s fought through loss, anxiety attacks, hurt. I no longer look upon her, the body that housed and loved me, like she is wrong and needs to be changed. I’m guiding her in the right direction, a healthier path and state of mind.

I’ve grown to adore this changed perspective towards my body. I’m not judging myself like I used to. I can look in the mirror, smile, and know that that smile is genuine. I do love myself, and I love my body. There will be times when I come down on the beautiful girl in the mirror, the one that looks back at me and reflects the life that I’ve been living and the experiences I’ve gathered, but I know that those times will be fleeting, and will not house themselves permanently within the corners of my mind, waiting for their next moment to swallow the spotlight. Self judgment is no longer welcome in my heart and I’m determined to keep it that way. From here on out, everything feels… easier.

xo Amanda Cramer

Mandirito.com

13 Reasons I’m Thankful this Thanksgiving!

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It’s that time of year again. The time where we all come together, with friends and family, to celebrate the things that we are most grateful for. Lately, I feel like there are so many wonderful, incredible things in my life that deserve to be noted, but because this is “13 reasons” and not “300 reasons”, I’ll try to limit it to the very best of the best!

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1. I finally have my camera charger back! Silly me, and this is going to sound really bad, but when I moved to college for this semester once again, I forgot a tiny little thing that I would need for my camera: the charger. So I had everything, from lenses, to carrying bags, to my DSLRs that I love so very much, and no charger. For either camera. But since I’m back home and spending this week having quality time with the fam, I was able to charge my camera! It’s been way too long, and I’m going to be pretty snap happy for these next couple of months.

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2. We always have the best, most delicious coffee at home. It’s one of the little things I miss when I’m away at school. I don’t even know what it is that makes it so much better. Perhaps the fact that it tastes a little stronger, even when it’s sweetened? It’s like crack. That must be the secret ingredient or something…

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3. I have time to blog again! With all the craziness of finals week arriving and the closure of my courses in combination with everything else, I have had absolutely no time to write, and I’ve missed it. I do it for you guys because I know you enjoy my work, but I especially enjoy it because in most cases, it feels quite therapeutic to me. Stay tuned for all the new posts coming soon! THEY’RE COMING.

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4. All the positive feedback I’ve received as of late. Even with me being busy and not having as much time lately to write for you guys everyday, you’ve still been so loving and supportive. I’ve barely lost any followers and subscribers, and it means a lot to me that you guys have stuck around!

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5. Sleeping in my own bed. It’s a pile of fluffy sheets and copious amounts of blankets that feel a lot like what heaven would feel like if it were a place to sleep. No bed compares to my bed at home, not to knock my bed in my apartment that highly resembles the hardness of blanketed concrete. But yeah.

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6. The weather is just gorgeous! I came from school, raining ferociously and wind blowing over bikes, to back home, sunny, breezy, and clear-sky-ed. It’s not even boiling hot. It’s a dream, really.

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7. After several months of being away from my family, nothing is more exciting than getting to spend time with them again. I’ve been here for only a couple of days so far and it’s been amazing. I look forward to countless more memories in this week alone, err….these next few days, the last few days…. before I have to head back to take my exams! *sigh*

The child within me weeps at the thought of leaving them and going back to my responsibilities. D*mn you, adulthood.

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8. This is the first time I’ve had an ounce of free time, and I’m clinging to them desperately. My major is definitely for the sleepless, but these breaks help me refocus. I’m keeping my eyes on the prize, even if they’re watery and red from tiredness.

I don’t have a ton of time, but I sure am a professional napper and cryer at this point.

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9. I have access to all my pretty clothes (and BEANIES!) that I didn’t get to bring when I moved away to college. It feels like I have brand new clothes every time I come home because there are so many pieces that I haven’t seen in a while. It gives me inspiration to try new outfits and rewear the clothes that I already have!

See that gif? Yeah, that’s me at college, staring in despair at my overflowing yet empty closet. NOTHING TO WEAR. NOTHING TO WEAR AT ALL.

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10. I can finally catch up on my latest guilty pleasure and the most successful procrastination technique I’ve discovered thus far within this semester: the Vampire Diaries series. It’s pretty dangerous when I have time to marathon on Netflix and when Netflix actually has to ask if I’m still there. Someone send help (Is there a life alert for Netflixers?!)!

Oh, and the answer to that question? College. Yep, yep. Feeling nothing. Team no sleep. Kinda numb. Coffee running through my veins. Sweatpants all day, everyday. It really does things to you…..

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11. I have time to work on building my audience. I’ve been slacking lately and I feel like my blog has come to somewhat of a stat-standstill, so it’ll be nice to dedicate some time to gaining exposure again. It takes a chunk of time and effort to create and manage a blog, and I don’t want to be that person that gives up when time gets tough! I, no, more like WE, will work through this. I have a good feeling.

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12. I’m learning to be much more independent and actually relishing in the independence. I think after a breakup, it’s best to learn how to focus on yourself and what you need to personally accomplish, and I feel like I’m doing that successfully lately. Sometimes I do need to turn my attention to myself and figure out what I want in order to prioritize my own dreams for the future.

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13. Everything feels like it’s falling into place. There are times in all of our lives when we feel fluctuation, when things get bad, get a little bit better, but then revert back to what we’ve been dreading. Lately, though, things are looking up. I feel like I’m cultivating a lot of positivity and I hope to maintain this positive outlook for the remainder of the year, and hopefully extend it beyond that. I can honestly say that I feel good, both physically and mentally. Things are looking up (knock on wood).

So now it’s your turn. Go ahead, tell me.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Comment below!

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The Personality Fluctuation of an Anxiety-Ridden Student of Life

Ready, Set, Done! – A Response to the Daily Post prompt

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It’s strange.

I feel like I am a different person every day, or maybe every other day. One day, I will be confident, persuasive, extroverted, rambunctious. The next, I will be reclusive, introverted, perfectly happy surrounded by nothing more than my drawing tablet, cup of coffee, and my laptop on full-charge playing some Ingrid Michaelson as background music. How does this change? How do I transition between two completely different phases, two personalities that could essentially house two different bodies but instead cozy up to each other in this one individual: me?

Some days, I am pained by the glance of strangers, while other days, it’s perfectly easy to return a smile, strike a conversation. On the days when I don’t wish to return the favor, I can feel their eyes burning into my cheek like they’re branding me with their look. I can actually feel the blood rush to my face, rising and burning like flames under my skin. But when I smile back, there’s mutual acknowledgement, and the glance is dropped. Something about people avoiding elongated eye contact… At these points, I feel like I reversed the reaction.

There are days when I enjoy the spotlight, basking in the glow of my accomplishments. And then, on the opposing end, there are moments when I hope to god that no one mentions that I was the culprit of something, even if it were a wonderful thing. The pressure to perform on these days makes me feel like a seasoned actress.

The weirdest part of it all is that I’m never really too sure which personality will be more dominant each morning I wake up. I accept them both lovingly though. I adore my extroverted, loud-and-proud side just as equally as the less showy introverted side I possess. I believe it all really depends on the anxiety I experience on a day to day basis. When its grip isn’t as strong, I’m more outward and upfront. There’s no barricade preventing me from projecting myself. But this isn’t to say that on the days I prefer being alone, I am generally anxious. Anxiety certainly contributes though, at least to some of these days. I have to wonder if the anxiety I experience is what maintains my ambiversion, or if naturally I am comprised of elements from both sides that sometimes just separate more distinctly on specific days.

Anyone else feel like they’re housing two opposing personalities in one body sometimes?

Do you prefer one side over the other?

Next Stop: Saint Augustine, the Nation’s Oldest City!

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Today has been our first full day here in Saint Augustine and we’ve been on the trolley (I know, I’m being a typical tourist. Sue me.) all morning! The first time I had been here was in the fourth grade (way too young to really experience everything this city has to offer, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it), and ever since then, I had been telling my parents of its beauty and preserved history! I can’t believe that I finally have the opportunity to show them (my parents) around the places that I have visited prior, and to experience the area from an older, wiser perspective. I feel like I’m going to appreciate it much more now than I would’ve back then because now I can soak in all the history and really get a feel for what it was like to be living here in the 1600s (especially through the observation of the Castillo de San Marcos as well as all of these other historical landmarks)! These are the types of places that schools should be taking their students, because the experience I had the first time was unforgettable and I still managed to gather quite an understanding of the history that lies within these buildings. Saint Augustine is not only an educational environment but is rich with culture and new experiences for someone like me, who has remained in South Florida for the majority of her life, traveling often within the US and not many places else (unless you count the cruise I took a couple years back). I will share some of the photographs I’ve taken today with you guys in time.

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Have any of you guys been here before?

Any suggestions on what we should do while we spend our time here?

 

Reading my Environment: 10 Observations at my Local B&N

1. Piles among piles of magazines that aim to tell young women (teens to twenties) that if they’re curvy (or any shape, really!), they have to wear specific types of bathing a suits, clothes, and COLORS (or non-colors) to avoid looking crappy. Every magazine tells me I should wear black, cover my body up, and stay away from anything that will “draw the eye”. *sigh* I’m going to wear whatever I want, wherever I want, however I want…Done, done, and DONE.

2. There’s an old couple at the cafe trying to order coffee that can barely hear, yelling “What?” every couple of seconds, and they keep making this cashier run circles trying to figure out what they want! This woman really wants to spit in their coffee.

3. I see a sea of T-shirts and jeans, sneakers, and ponytails… No one is feeling fabulous today, I guess. Or maybe they’re just stopping in for a quick coffee run?

4. There are equal parts chatter and faint instrumental music in the background, and it has a soothing effect. It’s like the voices of the visitors automatically vibe with the atmosphere. Unless it’s someone talking loudly on a cell phone. Then it sounds like a broken symphony.

5. First this guy had one kid sitting with him at his cafe table, playing games on his tablet, and now he has about 10. Where did they all come from, and how do they all fit around one of these small, round tables? This tablet is definitely gonna break by the end of my B&N visit. I’m betting on it.

6. Pretty ironic that the “Customer Service” area is deserted. I always feel like my self-sufficiency is at an all time high when I’m here, because I can never find someone to help me find what I’m looking for! But it’s a blessing in disguise, though, because I often stumble upon books and other materials that interest me that I wasn’t initially looking for. A lose to a win!!

7. Without fail, there is always someone that my mom or I run into here each time we visit. I can honestly say that there hasn’t been one time that we haven’t seen someone.

8. Theres a man with a backpack that looks like it’s holding all of his worldly possessions (it’s as big as he is, basically) but I know it probably isn’t because he’s wearing designer brands from head to toe. So what do you have in there?

9. Do they ever play music with words?

10. Since the day I started going to this Barnes and Noble, they’ve always had the same artwork surrounding the cafe roof, displaying famous poets and artists. I can only hope that one day I’d be able to identify all of them. Maybe one day.

10 Things I’m Thankful for TODAY

1. The big smile and excitement I received when I went to Target and happened to run into a woman that seemed very low on energy working the closing shift, that I had struck up a conversation with in passing. I feel like that little conversation made her really happy, which rubbed off on me, too! Happiness is contagious, and I needed that good, warm feeling probably as much as she did.

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2. The popularity of “All of Me” on the radio. I became obsessed with it long before it got “radio popular” and now I hear it everywhere. This is a great thing!

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3. My family for always being strong role models. Even though we all have our little quirks, we’re an incredibly hardy, generous,  great group of people. I was definitely born to the right parents.

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4. The woman I had met out shopping that told me that I would “look good in anything”, which made me bashful!

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5. The cleanliness of my room right now. It’s so CLEAN and ORGANIZED, and everything is in its place! I feel like I’m in heaven. It took work, but the work was worth the result: spotless bliss.

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6. Guacamole. Just guacamole. Forever. Always. Guacamole.

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7. My ability to put myself in others’ shoes. I feel like this is a big one, because it’s helped me a lot, and today, it once again was super helpful. I’m surprised I can fit, with my big feet. *shrugs*

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8. I’m thankful that my boyfriend has a job, because as we all know, college breaks wallets. He deserves to have play money AS WELL AS saving money! 🙂

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9. The vintage dress that I fell in love with today for only FIVE DOLLARS. Oh yes. Beautiful, lacy, black, GORGEOUS vintage. It was a REALLY lucky find!

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10. Last but not least, I am thankful for my skin being so beautiful today!! Ah! I feel like it’s perfect looking, and I haven’t even been using any of my (MANY) creams and scrubs. It looks so clear, which you will rarely hear me say about my skin!

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What are you thankful for today?

The Short on Shorts Shopping: Are Our Bodies to Blame?

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Curves on a woman’s figure used to be celebrated as a feminine trait. I guess the party is over because every store that I’ve visited for shorts shopping has quite the unrealistic standards for my hip to waist ratio. Today, I tried on over twenty pairs of shorts, ranging from short shorts to those that are closer to cut offs to embellished shorts, each with its own proportions to ensure that I’d find a pair that didn’t feel too loose on the top, but definitely didn’t squeeze everywhere else. I ended up with one pair that hugged me just right, which ultimately left me happy and confident. I do have to wonder, though, how those who believe that it is their own fault that the clothes they are interested in don’t fit them, end up not in a ball of tears after what feels like millions of failed attempts. It can be hard to take the blame off of ourselves when we feel like we have physically deviated from the “look” that is force-fed to us at an early age. Our society promotes the standard that being thin makes a woman most beautiful (think “delicate”, “pretty”, “soft”), while being curvy or larger (muscular, thick) makes her less beautiful on the spectrum. When it comes down to it, curvy figures are hardly accommodated. I felt this deeply today. I felt like every single rack was mocking the fact that my body could not fit perfectly into the structured sizes provided to me. I don’t blame my body, though. I exercise regularly, eat healthily the majority of the time (my Chipotle fix is not going away anytime soon), and refuse to believe that the type of body that I have maintained and carried all through my life is at fault when the products that I, as a human, am meant to clothe myself with don’t provide me any bit of coverage, comfort, or dignity. This is the product of a society that wants me to squeeze into whatever mold they’ve got for me, and I’m not going to do it. I don’t blame my body for not being a size 2, or for having muscular, thick thighs that feel choked in cut offs. I won’t apologize for the way I am comfortable living and looking, nor will I apologize for not giving in to the belief that my body has to be different to be good enough to wear what’s being sold. I’m good enough and I deserve to wear clothes that look as great as they feel. If this means that I have to cut full-length jeans to make into shorts that aren’t going to leave my a** on display, then that’s what I’m gonna do. It’s bad enough to be shamed for your shape, but even worse when all that is available to you are pieces that exemplify what it means to have a body that is “acceptable”.