People will tell you that you should never base your self-worth on those that surround you, because there will be times when they will let you down and times they will take a shot at your feelings due to their own circumstances, and your first assumption will be that it is because YOU are not worth their time, or YOU are not worth their effort. It’s difficult to not let how others treat you affect the way you perceive yourself. Recent events have let those kinds of destructive thoughts creep into my own head, which I had persistently blocked for a very long time. I began thinking that I wasn’t worth the time, the effort, the sacrifice, the love, the respect, and the understanding it takes to be in a relationship, a friendship, anything. The issue is that the negative forces in our lives take so much of a toll on us personally that they end up overwhelming the positive forces, and I can’t believe that I didn’t acknowledge this when it happened in my own life recently. I know that I am worth so much more than I have been given credit for in the past. I am not my unhappy experiences, my failures, my pain, my sadness, my inabilities, my projected worth…I am so much more.
That is why I believe that you are good enough, too. You may have had a horrible day, week, even year. But you know what? Things are going to get better, for both you and I. I may not even know you, but I can tell you that you can’t base your perception of YOUR worth on how people treat you. People are selfish and sometimes they don’t even mean to be. But they can be, and sometimes they are. Who’s to say that the way they conduct their lives and treat others reflects how you should be treated and how much you’re worth as an individual? You’re not a toy that they can just play with when they’ve got a moment to spare, and then put on the shelf. You’re not their pet, relying on them for the quality of your own life. You are a person with feelings, ambitions, vulnerabilities in combination with strengths. You’re unique in all aspects of your life and there will never be someone just like you, someone rich in the qualities that you possess in the exact same way. So you know what? Ditch the negative people, the hurtful memories, the times you’ve fallen on your face so hard you thought you’d never get back up, the underestimations people have of you, the disappointment people in their own lives that has somehow been projected upon your own life… Forget how people have made you feel. You’re incredible, and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let anyone take that happiness, that ability to feel alive and love yourself and the world around you, away from you. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, and excited about your life, and those who don’t agree, don’t deserve to be a part of YOU.
You’re incredible, and no matter who you are, where you are, how people have hurt you in the past, what you think you’re worth, if I know you or not, you deserve to be happy and you are loved. Tremendously, genuinely, honestly, respectfully…
You are loved.
Posted in Advice, Thoughts
Tagged boyfriends, breakups, confidence, exes, experiences, friends, friendships, girlfriends, giving up, growth, happiness, hurt, letter to you, life, loss, lost friends, love, memories, negative people, negativity, pain, people, personal, positivity, relationships, respect, sadness, self worth, strength, suffering, understanding, unhappy, worth
Confronted with the past, we often stand down. We let it consume us, devour the current day and age with regrets of moments we can no longer change. Moments that have passed us.
I won’t stand down. I won’t cry, or regret, or reminisce about the “good ol’ days”. I won’t second guess myself or humor myself with a different outcome that could’ve potentially changed the course of my memories. Today is today, and holds its own potential.
There are moments in my past that I wish I would’ve appreciated then, as I cannot appreciate them in the same magnitude as my memories begin to fade and distort with time. What music was playing at that moment? Who was there? What were their facial expressions? Were they happy, hurt, longing, anxious? Do these little details even matter anymore?
They matter when you think back, but in the moment of the experience, you’re drawn to see the big picture. The details fade into the backdrop and become minuscule, only to arise to the surface in bits and pieces later on, often in unwelcome nostalgic spurts. The concepts are still alive and well and the meaning behind the memories of our past still stands but I’m choosing to pack up these boxes and dispose of the feelings that once gave me happiness but have lately weighed heavily upon my soul. I’ve been progressively releasing my attachment to these moments as they don’t serve my life positively anymore.
I choose to live in the now, but that’s not to say that the time I spent prior to the current day is inconsequential, the experiences I’ve gathered are meaningless. They matter, however some things you cannot change once all interaction has been exhausted, connections have been tampered with and broken, and the passions that you had grown to love, that had once lingered and given you comfort, have grown stale. I’ve grown to accept the shortcomings, regrets, hurt of my past and hope that the future holds better days with even greater joys.
Here is to life, to a new year full of opportunity and lessons to be learned. Here is to new laughs, triumphs, friendships, experiences. To growth, improvement, realizations, creativity, and an awakened zest for all the little things life holds in store.
May this year bring change that exudes confidence towards an even more exciting and fulfilling future, and may the skeletons of our memories be laid to rest. It’s time to move forward.
Posted in Personal
Tagged 2014, 2015, experiences, final thoughts, friendships, growing, growth, hurt, learning, memories, moving forward, moving on, new experiences, new memories, new year, new years eve, pain, personal, regretting, relationships, sadness, strength
Seriously, I resent people who tell me that I’ll “grow out of my acne” and that “my skin problems are just hormonal”. Yeah, sure. SO MANY HORMONES. You haven’t had enough time for your hormones to settle down. It hasn’t been enough centuries. Stop being so overdramatic! Nobody cares about your skin. Nobody even notices it. Oh? They’re asking about it? Well, how many people haven’t asked about it? You’re fine! Your boyfriend loves you, right? He doesn’t mind.
Those who haven’t experienced severe acne in their adult years have not understood the realest form of hell, and are excruciatingly insensitive. Case and point. I’m tired of hearing all the excuses that people make offhandedly when I get frustrated with my skin, all the excuses they make that won’t suffice. They know nothing about what I suffer because of it, because they have yet to experience such a horrible flaw on the one part of their body that everyone looks. When you speak, when you maintain eye contact…..your face is where people look. It’s painful, frustrating, and impossible to get rid of. They say it’s my diet? I’ll stop eating everything bad for me. Nothing will change. They say it’s hormonal? Well, what can I do about that? They say it’s because I’m not clean? Oh boy, do not even go there.
So far, I have been everyone’s failed project. It’s been great. Really, it has. But I’m seriously done. If karma is real, I am begging to know what kind of horrid crime I committed in a past life that left me with this.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged acne, acne problems, acne scars, advice, angry, college, college student, cystic acne, dermatologists, done, experience, facial flaws, failed project, flaws, growing out of it, high school, insecurity, issues, life, pain, people, personal, personal experience, phase, rant, skin, skin issues, suffering, teenager, teenager years, tired, uncomfortable, zits
Down, but never going to be out.
Desperate. Pursuing. Yearning. She follows you to your car, with her sweet touch and the soft melody of her voice. You’re coaxed. She has you hanging by a thread, and she’s weaving it. She’s creating something with your weakness. Her fingers dance across the delicate intricacies of your weaknesses to create something regal out of you. She wants to make you into a sweater so she can wear you, clinging to her torso and begging to keep her warm. Intoxicating to be able to gain control and manipulate your feelings as if they were her own. If she had any, they’d be moldable, too, but they certainly wouldn’t be warm. They wouldn’t hold you tight on your coldest days or comfort you in your own weakness. If you were lucky, they wouldn’t freeze your heart inside your chest.
Posted in My Writing
Tagged emotions, feel, feelings, heart, longing, manipulation, moldable, my writing, pain, people, personality, sadness, strength, suffering, thoughts, vulnerability, vulnerable, weakness, yearning
“I can feel my teeth grinding into this newly painted nail. It’s about to get ugly, but I can’t stop. It’s sawing now, from one side to the other, ripping away at the nail furiously, mercilessly. I can’t stop. The hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the frustration….The blood’s pooling on the sides of my nail now, gushing, dripping…The stinging comes on, full force and sharply, as if a blade had been brought upon my bare skin. I can’t stop, I can’t. My head, it’s pounding now with the anticipation of another verbal blow, another shot of venom into my heart. On to the next finger. I can’t stop. How long? How many fingers do I have left, 9….almost 8? Are we done? No, we’re not done. Another shot fired in my direction, too pained to duck. Right into the chest, I can feel it. The second nail comes off immediately, pooling….I can’t stop……….”
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged anxiousness, biting nails, fighting, frustration, my writing, nails, nervousness, pain, sad, sadness, story, thoughts, tired, verbal fights