All of my life, I have struggled with the fear of becoming overweight again, because as a child, I suffered immensely from being the chubbier kid. I wasn’t confident, happy, or satisfied with my quality of life. This is not to say that if you are confident or happy at this size or any size, you shouldn’t be. I just know that, in my experience, I spent so much time, too much time, agonizing over how I could be different and how I could be better. I just couldn’t see the beauty in myself. Something destructive had stuck with me and had no intention of letting go. At such a young age, those kinds of feelings have a deep imprint on your soul. I know they did on mine. But this time around, at 21 years old, as I am not overweight but still trying to keep in shape and stay healthy, it’s easier. Everything seems….easier.
I’ve noticed the change. I’m not looking in the mirror as much, grabbing at the visible fat on my sides or tummy, or scowling at the figure that stands before me, disappointed by what I see. She’s a beautiful person and she has carried me through 21 years of life, 21 years of experience, growth, love, failure, and triumph. She is the portal in which I have navigated the plane of life and she is the woman I will be until the day I die. She will change, physically and mentally, as she moves forward, but there should be no reason why I should look upon her with judgment. Her body has been through injuries, sickness, heartache. She’s fought through loss, anxiety attacks, hurt. I no longer look upon her, the body that housed and loved me, like she is wrong and needs to be changed. I’m guiding her in the right direction, a healthier path and state of mind.
I’ve grown to adore this changed perspective towards my body. I’m not judging myself like I used to. I can look in the mirror, smile, and know that that smile is genuine. I do love myself, and I love my body. There will be times when I come down on the beautiful girl in the mirror, the one that looks back at me and reflects the life that I’ve been living and the experiences I’ve gathered, but I know that those times will be fleeting, and will not house themselves permanently within the corners of my mind, waiting for their next moment to swallow the spotlight. Self judgment is no longer welcome in my heart and I’m determined to keep it that way. From here on out, everything feels… easier.
xo Amanda Cramer
Posted in Personal, Thoughts
Tagged anxiety, anxiety attacks, anxiety sufferer, beauty, beauty standards, body fat, change, child experiences, chubby, college student, comparing, easier, fat, growing, growth, happiness, healthier path, judging, judging myself, judgment, judgmental, kid, learning, life, mandirito the blogger, my experiences, my life, perfect, personal, personal post, perspective, self criticism, society, state of mind, thoughts, unhappy, xo Mandirito
It’s been a painful couple of weeks, but today was the day that this chapter of our lives has ended. It’s bittersweet. Suffering the loss of a life is always hard to swallow, especially when you’re close with the one who passed, but when you think of the suffering that the person endured closely before their last moments, you know that it’s for the best. We celebrated my grandmother’s life with an incredible, luxurious dinner on the beach at Casablanca’s, started it off with amazing appetizers (I had a fantastic shrimp cocktail), a spicy shrimp scampi entree (what can I say? I like shrimp!), and a massive lava cake with ice cream that, by the time I finished it, made me want to vomit up my organs. I also thought that it was strange because, in the light of us celebrating my grandmother’s passing into heaven, we heard the song, “Over the Rainbow”, which lately had been very reminiscent of her and her situation. It kind of felt like she was sitting at the dinner table with us, enjoying the copious amount of food.
This experience gave me a new perspective of the expectancy of life. We all expect to live for a very long time, but some of us suffer our lives being cut short, and the luckier of those realize before it’s too late. As for me, though, I’m hoping to stop sitting around on my life. There are times, and places, and people that are in my life that I don’t feel happy with. And I need to be happy. I need to find more purpose, go for more goals, and not be afraid to fall sometimes. It’s such a scary feeling pushing yourself out into the deep end and hoping you can swim, but I feel like the benefits are worth the risk. As of today, I’m going to really live my life, moment by moment, and make it something that I find memorable. I’m not gonna wait for things to get better, or for people to start changing. I’m just gonna go change the world, for myself and others, and see where it all goes. I need this. This past year, there have been so many things that I’ve shy-ed away from because I was afraid of failing, and right now, I think failing is a better option than not trying at all.
Posted in Memory, Personal, Thoughts
Tagged death, failing, grandmother, growth, insight, life, life lessons, life lost, memory, new perspective, obstacles, personal, personal growth, perspective, progression, risks, succeeding, suffering, thoughts, understanding, update
We dread it, we avoid it, we let it define our self worth. Failure is an experience that can easily drag anyone down into a pothole. So why do we let it take a hold of our lives? Why do we hand it our power, wrapped in a box and bow, so easily? Why does it dictate what we believe about ourselves?
We, as people, want to be a “jack of all trades”. Meaning that we, ideally, would like to be the best at everything immediately. The first time we try something, we hope that we’re “passable”, and automatically “decent” at it because that is how we are programmed. We don’t want to accept failure at a first shot. The truth is, failure is inevitable if you’re living, and taking on new opportunities as they come. Even if you’re hiding in your room refusing to experience the world around you, failure is still inevitable. It’s natural to fail every once in a while.
Personally, I am afraid of failing very few things. I’ve spent my whole life trying to experience everything. I’ve explored what feels like every creative outlet known to man, and I refuse to be afraid to visualize what I can do. I’ve failed before. I’ve done things, new things, and done horribly. But I never labeled myself as a “failure” for not being “great” at everything. And you know what? I don’t consider pushing myself to sink or swim a failure. I don’t consider ultimately sinking after struggling to swim a failure. I don’t consider developing my skills that I’ve been unsatisfactory in, in the past a failure. You know why? Because the only way you can fail is if you try, realize that you’re not as “successful” as you thought you would be, and choose to give up. I’m not going to give up on my dreams, and neither should you.
Failure shouldn’t beat you down from your high horse. It shouldn’t rip your desires out of your hands. If there are experiences and defining moments waiting on the horizon for you or you see potential in yourself despite your moments of weakness, you should be able to hold tightly onto those things that define your life purpose as if your life depends on it, which in this case, it does. Don’t give failure the power to destroy the light in your eyes. Only you can choose to keep going after disappointment takes hold.
Posted in College, Personal, Rant, Thoughts
Tagged acceptance, advice, college student, experience, experiences, fail, failed, failure, growing, growth, insecurity, knowledge, learning, life, opportunity, people, perspective, point of view, pov, realizing, school, thoughts
Combatting the blues has been an uphill battle all of my life, the reason being that when I’m sad, I’m really sad. Little misfortunes in life don’t hurt me, but when something happens that is monumental to my life and the lives of others that could not have been preventable, I feel vulnerable. Useless. I try to keep my head up in these times by focusing on myself. What needs to get done in order for me to reach equilibrium once more? How am I going to accomplish this? Truthfully, the way I combat sadness is situational, but in all situations, there is a common weapon: the use of creativity. I’m a firm believer that getting your negative feelings on paper or canvas can give a sense of relief that many other methods in life can’t, because you’re in control. You have that pen, pencil, brush in your hand. You control the color, where it goes, how it interacts with other colors. You can write what ever you need to write, no matter how piercing the words. It gives you the feeling of connecting your life full circle again. Although, because I’m in college and my supplies are often limited to dry mediums, I tend to use music as a supplementary mood lifter. There are always going to be times when I’m sad and I just want to listen to something that’s going to make me bawl my eyes out, but more often than not, hearing the soothing sounds of “A Fine Frenzy” or “Blue October” gives me the sense of serenity I need to pick up from where I left off. It doesn’t hurt to lay my mind down in writing, as well.
If you find yourself feeling sad, try to explore that emotion visually. Even if you don’t consider yourself “crafty” or “artistic”, it’s important to allow yourself to delve into different mediums during times of emotional turmoil in order to determine your ability to combat sadness in new, positive ways rather than allowing it to swallow your ability to fix what has been broken. Try to represent your negativity in a more physical way, and it may set you free.
Posted in Personal, Writing Prompt
Tagged creativity, daily, drawing, emotions, energy, experiences, feeling, fighting sadness, growing, growth, introspection, learning, life, music, negative energy, painting, personal, perspective, sadness, self, understanding, venting, visual, visual representation, vulnerability, writing