People will tell you that you should never base your self-worth on those that surround you, because there will be times when they will let you down and times they will take a shot at your feelings due to their own circumstances, and your first assumption will be that it is because YOU are not worth their time, or YOU are not worth their effort. It’s difficult to not let how others treat you affect the way you perceive yourself. Recent events have let those kinds of destructive thoughts creep into my own head, which I had persistently blocked for a very long time. I began thinking that I wasn’t worth the time, the effort, the sacrifice, the love, the respect, and the understanding it takes to be in a relationship, a friendship, anything. The issue is that the negative forces in our lives take so much of a toll on us personally that they end up overwhelming the positive forces, and I can’t believe that I didn’t acknowledge this when it happened in my own life recently. I know that I am worth so much more than I have been given credit for in the past. I am not my unhappy experiences, my failures, my pain, my sadness, my inabilities, my projected worth…I am so much more.
That is why I believe that you are good enough, too. You may have had a horrible day, week, even year. But you know what? Things are going to get better, for both you and I. I may not even know you, but I can tell you that you can’t base your perception of YOUR worth on how people treat you. People are selfish and sometimes they don’t even mean to be. But they can be, and sometimes they are. Who’s to say that the way they conduct their lives and treat others reflects how you should be treated and how much you’re worth as an individual? You’re not a toy that they can just play with when they’ve got a moment to spare, and then put on the shelf. You’re not their pet, relying on them for the quality of your own life. You are a person with feelings, ambitions, vulnerabilities in combination with strengths. You’re unique in all aspects of your life and there will never be someone just like you, someone rich in the qualities that you possess in the exact same way. So you know what? Ditch the negative people, the hurtful memories, the times you’ve fallen on your face so hard you thought you’d never get back up, the underestimations people have of you, the disappointment people in their own lives that has somehow been projected upon your own life… Forget how people have made you feel. You’re incredible, and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let anyone take that happiness, that ability to feel alive and love yourself and the world around you, away from you. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, and excited about your life, and those who don’t agree, don’t deserve to be a part of YOU.
You’re incredible, and no matter who you are, where you are, how people have hurt you in the past, what you think you’re worth, if I know you or not, you deserve to be happy and you are loved. Tremendously, genuinely, honestly, respectfully…
You are loved.
Posted in Advice, Thoughts
Tagged boyfriends, breakups, confidence, exes, experiences, friends, friendships, girlfriends, giving up, growth, happiness, hurt, letter to you, life, loss, lost friends, love, memories, negative people, negativity, pain, people, personal, positivity, relationships, respect, sadness, self worth, strength, suffering, understanding, unhappy, worth
Confronted with the past, we often stand down. We let it consume us, devour the current day and age with regrets of moments we can no longer change. Moments that have passed us.
I won’t stand down. I won’t cry, or regret, or reminisce about the “good ol’ days”. I won’t second guess myself or humor myself with a different outcome that could’ve potentially changed the course of my memories. Today is today, and holds its own potential.
There are moments in my past that I wish I would’ve appreciated then, as I cannot appreciate them in the same magnitude as my memories begin to fade and distort with time. What music was playing at that moment? Who was there? What were their facial expressions? Were they happy, hurt, longing, anxious? Do these little details even matter anymore?
They matter when you think back, but in the moment of the experience, you’re drawn to see the big picture. The details fade into the backdrop and become minuscule, only to arise to the surface in bits and pieces later on, often in unwelcome nostalgic spurts. The concepts are still alive and well and the meaning behind the memories of our past still stands but I’m choosing to pack up these boxes and dispose of the feelings that once gave me happiness but have lately weighed heavily upon my soul. I’ve been progressively releasing my attachment to these moments as they don’t serve my life positively anymore.
I choose to live in the now, but that’s not to say that the time I spent prior to the current day is inconsequential, the experiences I’ve gathered are meaningless. They matter, however some things you cannot change once all interaction has been exhausted, connections have been tampered with and broken, and the passions that you had grown to love, that had once lingered and given you comfort, have grown stale. I’ve grown to accept the shortcomings, regrets, hurt of my past and hope that the future holds better days with even greater joys.
Here is to life, to a new year full of opportunity and lessons to be learned. Here is to new laughs, triumphs, friendships, experiences. To growth, improvement, realizations, creativity, and an awakened zest for all the little things life holds in store.
May this year bring change that exudes confidence towards an even more exciting and fulfilling future, and may the skeletons of our memories be laid to rest. It’s time to move forward.
Posted in Personal
Tagged 2014, 2015, experiences, final thoughts, friendships, growing, growth, hurt, learning, memories, moving forward, moving on, new experiences, new memories, new year, new years eve, pain, personal, regretting, relationships, sadness, strength
Because I have expressed unhappiness at my current weight (which could easily be fixed on my own, might I add), like a dog with a chew toy, I have experienced others tear through any bit of security and comfortableness I have within myself. It’s shameful of anyone to pretend like they know how a body should look and to take it upon themselves to punish others for not fitting the standard that they consider “beautiful” and “healthy”. Don’t let the judgment of others on you, whether it be your weight, a personality trait they don’t like, your supposed “laziness” as a college student focusing on your school work, whatever, take control of your life. Don’t give other people the keys to your happiness. Not everything in life is about numbers, nor does someone’s weight, out of all things, equal their worth (or less worth, in my case) as a human being. There is much more to each individual than how they look, and this needs to be brought to light. I’m realizing myself in many more ways than this, and I can only hope that I will come across others who will support me through thick and thin, no pun intended. Unconditional love truly is difficult to come by.
Fat shaming is wrong on any level, and so is the existence of needless discouragement and verbal assaults in this world that already implements enough insecurity on its own.
“I Want You So Bad I Can’t Breathe” by OK Go
“You And Only You” by We the Kings
“She Keeps Me Warm” by Mary Lambert
“The last time I saw her, she…” had her ruby hair pulled back in a messy bun, little strands poking out in all directions. I had always called it her fireworks hair, which made her laugh that sweet laugh of hers… Her calm, green eyes were focused intently on the laptop screen in front of her, working through the details of her latest novel, her pride and joy, her bare feet tapping, dancing to the beat of a new vinyl she’d been dying to show me. I could feel myself smiling at the thought of her excitement when she wrote, the twitches in her face as she concentrated. She was so beautiful then. So vibrant in her personality, an appreciative and gentle soul with a free spirit. Often I wondered if she were the reason the world was so colorful, as everything she touched came to life, rejuvenated with vigor. Her eyes caught mine, and they returned my smile above the screen. I arose from the couch across from her, her “oldie but goodie” leather couch she refused to let go of, eager to hold her, eager to wrap her in my arms and tell her that having her heart keeps mine beating. So proud of her, my beautiful girl, the love of my life, for all she is. As I reached out my hand toward her, I found her chair cold. In a panic, I felt myself grabbing the chair, my hands frantically searching it for my love. I closed my eyes tightly, my hands rising to my eyes, and fell to my knees at the foot of the desk she had so often wrote upon. Each morning, coffee in hand, she was there long before I was even awake….all for granted, how she was there to greet me with a coffee of my own…. How I could wake when I did, selfishly, and not spend every waking moment… how I slept without realizing I was wasting time…All this precious time, gone. Wetness, tears flowing uncontrollably down my cheeks. My face felt sticky and hot in my stress. It had to have been a nightmare. It couldn’t be real. She was here. Holding my heart, kissing every inch of my face, just yesterday. I can feel myself shaking….The ceiling is going to collapse on me, bury me in this ruin I had made for myself…Was it yesterday? Her rug is here under my knees….Wait, where is she? When was she here? Her perfume lingers in the mahogany of our furniture….When did I feel the heat of her palms against my cheeks? Each tear burned more than the last as they flooded my lips. Had my love……given up on me, on her life and mine? Was she ever there…at all? Was she just a cruel dream?
Posted in My Writing, Writing Prompt
Tagged afraid, alone, beautiful, calm, chaos, characters, confused, cruel, daily writing prompt, description, desire, disorientation, dream, experience, free spirit, gorgeous, life, loneliness, longing, lost, love, loveless, missing, new story, nightmare, panic, reality, sadness, scared, story, thoughtful, writer
I think everyone needs someone to sit them down, and really talk through their problems with them. If only I could do that…I have so much positive energy today, and I’d love to share it.
Just know that I’m here for all of you. It doesn’t matter if I know you well, know you vaguely, or don’t know you at all. I’m here to listen if you need someone. I know what it’s like to feel like you have no one to talk to, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that. Today is too beautiful to waste being sad or down.
Posted in Thoughts
Tagged bad days, comfort, comforting others, empathy, experience, feeling, feelings, friendship, happiness, happy, hardship, influence, inner peace, interaction, life, loneliness, love, me, people, positive, positivity, random thought, sadness, sharing the love, stress, support, support system, sympathy, thoughts, understanding, unhappy
Desperate. Pursuing. Yearning. She follows you to your car, with her sweet touch and the soft melody of her voice. You’re coaxed. She has you hanging by a thread, and she’s weaving it. She’s creating something with your weakness. Her fingers dance across the delicate intricacies of your weaknesses to create something regal out of you. She wants to make you into a sweater so she can wear you, clinging to her torso and begging to keep her warm. Intoxicating to be able to gain control and manipulate your feelings as if they were her own. If she had any, they’d be moldable, too, but they certainly wouldn’t be warm. They wouldn’t hold you tight on your coldest days or comfort you in your own weakness. If you were lucky, they wouldn’t freeze your heart inside your chest.
Posted in My Writing
Tagged emotions, feel, feelings, heart, longing, manipulation, moldable, my writing, pain, people, personality, sadness, strength, suffering, thoughts, vulnerability, vulnerable, weakness, yearning
Combatting the blues has been an uphill battle all of my life, the reason being that when I’m sad, I’m really sad. Little misfortunes in life don’t hurt me, but when something happens that is monumental to my life and the lives of others that could not have been preventable, I feel vulnerable. Useless. I try to keep my head up in these times by focusing on myself. What needs to get done in order for me to reach equilibrium once more? How am I going to accomplish this? Truthfully, the way I combat sadness is situational, but in all situations, there is a common weapon: the use of creativity. I’m a firm believer that getting your negative feelings on paper or canvas can give a sense of relief that many other methods in life can’t, because you’re in control. You have that pen, pencil, brush in your hand. You control the color, where it goes, how it interacts with other colors. You can write what ever you need to write, no matter how piercing the words. It gives you the feeling of connecting your life full circle again. Although, because I’m in college and my supplies are often limited to dry mediums, I tend to use music as a supplementary mood lifter. There are always going to be times when I’m sad and I just want to listen to something that’s going to make me bawl my eyes out, but more often than not, hearing the soothing sounds of “A Fine Frenzy” or “Blue October” gives me the sense of serenity I need to pick up from where I left off. It doesn’t hurt to lay my mind down in writing, as well.
If you find yourself feeling sad, try to explore that emotion visually. Even if you don’t consider yourself “crafty” or “artistic”, it’s important to allow yourself to delve into different mediums during times of emotional turmoil in order to determine your ability to combat sadness in new, positive ways rather than allowing it to swallow your ability to fix what has been broken. Try to represent your negativity in a more physical way, and it may set you free.
Posted in Personal, Writing Prompt
Tagged creativity, daily, drawing, emotions, energy, experiences, feeling, fighting sadness, growing, growth, introspection, learning, life, music, negative energy, painting, personal, perspective, sadness, self, understanding, venting, visual, visual representation, vulnerability, writing