I find myself going through my daily routine, engulfed by my own thoughts about what it feels like to be “happy”. I remember being happy. Happy was me at Warped Tour, swaying to the beat of some newly discovered bands and realizing how much I adored the sound of something new gracing my ears. Happy was when I sat on the beach with my mom, coffee in hand and gnat-bitten to death, awaiting the arrival of a new sunrise on the shore. Happy was when I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio like I had millions of times before, but this time, managed to belt out all the words as loud as I could with the windows down, completely shamelessly. I know “happy”. Happy has always been a good friend of mine, but has slowly drifted from my grasp as of late. He’s become someone who sends a card on only the holidays signed with just his name, someone who pops in and says “hello” but never actually takes the time to truly absorb my answers, to question the strange intonations of my responses. He’s someone that has mistakenly forgotten to return my calls, tragically missed my texts, and has found new places and people to foster his sparks. Happiness has become an acquaintance, even more so a stranger. As of late.
The question is, am I happy? Am I happy now, at this very moment in time and my life?
I feel like my questioning confirms my answer enough.
Posted in Personal, Thoughts
Tagged disappointment, experiences, friendships, frustrated, happiness, happy, influence, interactions, life, my thoughts, my writing, over it, people, personal, reality, rejected, rejection, resentment, thoughts, tired
Because I have expressed unhappiness at my current weight (which could easily be fixed on my own, might I add), like a dog with a chew toy, I have experienced others tear through any bit of security and comfortableness I have within myself. It’s shameful of anyone to pretend like they know how a body should look and to take it upon themselves to punish others for not fitting the standard that they consider “beautiful” and “healthy”. Don’t let the judgment of others on you, whether it be your weight, a personality trait they don’t like, your supposed “laziness” as a college student focusing on your school work, whatever, take control of your life. Don’t give other people the keys to your happiness. Not everything in life is about numbers, nor does someone’s weight, out of all things, equal their worth (or less worth, in my case) as a human being. There is much more to each individual than how they look, and this needs to be brought to light. I’m realizing myself in many more ways than this, and I can only hope that I will come across others who will support me through thick and thin, no pun intended. Unconditional love truly is difficult to come by.
Fat shaming is wrong on any level, and so is the existence of needless discouragement and verbal assaults in this world that already implements enough insecurity on its own.
Yes, the correct answer is TWO. TWO DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS. Much, much better. Getting probed (doubly, back to back) can now officially be checked off my Bucket List.
Her coffee cup slipped right out of her hand and smashed into a thousand pieces on the kitchen floor, her bare feet covered in droplets of her own blood, scalding coffee, and the aftermath of scattered shards. She bit into her lip to suppress the reaction building up within her mouth, closing her eyes tightly. It’s alright. You’re okay. Grabbing hold of the counter, she stretched her leg across the glass debris, bringing herself to safety within the near hallway. A sigh escaped as she glared down at the mess. So much for getting a head start. She glanced at the clock. It exhibited “1:24 AM” in bold, flashing characters. Her day had felt an awful lot like this: making messes, mending messes, repeat. She was on the verge of tears, sweeping the remains of her business trip souvenir and reviewing her mental list of all the work she had to accomplish before the beginning of the next morning, the ungodly hours of the early-riser shift. I have about 4.5 hours…I can do this. If I plan my time accordingly, I can have my pitch in the works and get some studying done for my exam on….is it…Monday, I believe? Is the exam on Monday, or Tuesday? She attempted to scramble to the calendar mounted upon her wall, luckily escaping potential impalement. A pain grew in the pit of her stomach, and she could feel the rise of a headache in her temples. Tomorrow? How…How can that be? I….thought it was next week? She confirmed the dreadful conclusion. Tomorrow. Closing her eyes, she envisioned the next day, taking into account all that it could potentially hold. Slowly, she released her breath, counting to ten. You can do this. It doesn’t matter what this job, what your classes throw at you. You’re strong, you’re going to be prepared, you’re focused. With that, she had whirred out to her living room, settled with her laptop upon her desk, and challenged the night looming dauntingly ahead.
Posted in College, My Writing, Personal, Thoughts, Writing Prompt
Tagged bad luck, character, character life, college student, coping, dealing, everyday scenario, experience, fiction, glass, headache, life, luck, mess, my writing, overwhelmed, poor luck, reaction, relatable experience, relatable fiction, school, story, stress, stressful night, thoughts, tired, when things go wrong, work
It’s too late to take zzzquil but it’s too early to wake up. It’s that in between stage at night, and lucky for me, I can’t sleep.
Posted in Personal, Rant, Thoughts
Tagged exhausted, fed up, hate, no sleep, over it, restless, sleep, sleepless, tired
I wish I could just snap my fingers and make all the makeup, hair products, accessories, and uncomfortable clothes disappear right before going to bed. I’d be eternally happy.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged clothes, desires, makeup, night, night routines, over it, pajamas, personal, random thought, sleeping, sleepy, thoughts, tired, wish this were true, wishes